Skip to main content


4 friends are attending Christmas.

Christmas carols are an ancient tradition.  I think.  Once again my total lack of interest in doing research betrays me and it really doesn’t matter.  If you are an expert on Christmas carols I apologise from the bottom of my empty, unresearched heart.

But I digress.  Christmas carols, at least in my experience, broadly fall into two categories – the ones about Jesus and the ones about Santa.  There are of course some – We Wish You A Merry Christmas, for instance – which aren’t really about anything and seem to spring from Christmas’ self-obsession – more on that later.  For any defenders of We Wish You A Merry Christmas, I would like to reject figgy pudding as a legitimate subject for a song.

There is, then, a noticeable dearth of Christmas carols dedicated to the man most responsible for making Christmas the magical time it is.  Of course I’m talking about Mark Zuckerberg, because Time Person of the Year is not recognition enough for such a generous benefactor.  This is a man who deserves to be recognised in song, immortalised by the voices of bards singing through the ages.

Some of you may not be entirely au fait with Mr Zuckerberg’s newfound status as a saviour of Christmas and all that it stands for.  Though I am bitterly disappointed that such uncultured, unappreciative types are reading my site I will take it upon myself to demonstrate Facebook’s contributions to Christmas.  On the back of power assistance from the so-called “social network”, Christmas has a very real chance of being voted in the Top 10 Holidays in 2011, although it will have to fight off tough competition from Australia Day, ANZAC Day and Eight Hours Day.

So what has Facebook done to propel Christmas into these esteemed echelons of holidaying?
This, of course.
Never before have we been able to RSVP, not to a Christmas lunch, but to Christmas itself.  How did we cope?  Only now can we reassure our hundreds of friends that we too will be participating in the joys of Christmas.  Only now can we confirm to ourselves that Christmas is happening this year, on the same comfortingly familiar date, and we are invited.  And of course should we happen to forget Christmas, on our mandatory daily visit to Facebook we will be given a timely reminder.  Personally I did not respond to the Christmas event page, attending or otherwise; thankfully I was granted a reprieve and enjoyed the day nevertheless.

This absurd event page is nothing more than the logical development of Facebook’s it’s-there-why-not approach to virtually everything.  “Think this chick needs a shower? Click Like!”  Of course she does, but that it is hardly a compelling reason to click the button and hand who-knows-what information to who-knows-who.

“100 000 fans and I’ll turn my house into a pirate ship.”
No you won’t.  And even if you do, hilarious as it sounds, what’s it to me?  Do I get to see the pirate ship?  Do I get to sail it?  Perhaps I’m alone in wanting a reason for doing things on Facebook; show me a “100 000 fans and I’ll sail my pirate-ship house down your street” group and I’ll be on it in a flash.

Until then I will content myself with claiming the high moral ground by ignoring pointless groups and practising my hypocrisy by remaining constantly logged in to pointless Facebook.  There are countless people to be stalked and photos to be laughed at while somebody gets around to making a group with something in it for me.  I’m not sure what the local council policy on pirate ships is, but don’t forget my street is one-way.